Richard of Gloucester

Gnomish bacon salad, redux

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 18:06:43 GMT

--1/2 pound bacon, cut into inch and a half slices
--about half a cup to a cup of quartered cherry tomatoes
--one small can chopped pineapple in sugar syrup (as opposed to high fructose corn syrup--check the ingredients)
--about a quarter cup chopped mushrooms (Today I used kibbled mixed mushrooms, but I reccommend chopped baby portabellas)

fry bacon to desired doneness. clean all but a veneer of the bacon grease out of the skillet, and drain bacon on paper towels.
add mushrooms, pineapple, and tomatoes to skillet. stir fry for about half a minute to a minute.
add bacon, cook until whole mixture is warm.
serve and eat.

Ho Ho Ho! Meeerrrrry Christmas!

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 14:35:32 GMT

Sung to the tune of White Christmas:

"I'm screaming at a white sheepdog
who sits on my black easy chair.
It's a thing I'm dreading
the way he's shedding
and coating everything with hair

I'm screaming at a white sheepdog
and may he visit you some night
may his bark be worse than his biiiiite
and my all your furniture be white..."

--From the Prairie Home Companion songbook

We wish you a Harry Isthmus...

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 21:02:02 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBZUtZkt1q4

Gnomish bacon salad

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 23:38:48 GMT

--half a pound of bacon
--about eight to ten cherry tomatoes, halved
--about seven baby portabella mushrooms, rinsed and quarted
--fresh mozarella balls packed in some kind of Italian blend, in even proportion to the other ingredients (I didn't look at the weight on the package)
--worcestershire sauce
--some manner of vinaigrette dressing

cut the bacon into inch and a half bits and stir-cook in a skillet until desired doneness. Set aside on paper towel, leaving the grease in the skillet. Add the quartered mushrooms to the skillet, watch out for popping, and stir immediately. Add a generous splash of worcestershire and continue to stir fry for about three minutes. Add bacon, mushrooms, cheese, and tomatoes to a bowl, toss with vinaigrette dressing. serve immediately.

I cast Burning Hands!

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 15:25:18 GMT

Nathan's first rule of Chili: No matter how good it is the first night, it's ALWAYS better the next day.

I apparently can't get any Abita products or any other Louisiana beer in Lubbock anymore, which means I am out both Abita Turbodog and Blackened Voodoo to use in my chili recipe. I also intended to try Redbridge lager in the recipe, but I can't get that here either. So instead I used a Scottish ale called "Wee Heavy."

...It lives up to its name. It'll put hair on yer chest. It was the color of tar, and my spoon stood up in it unaided.

But now, I've got capsacin all over the middle and ring fingers of my left hand from cutting up chipotle peppers (both for the chili and for my pickled sausages). And it FUCKING BURNS. I've washed and washed, I've wiped my hands down with vinegar, I can't think of anything else to do. Does it just have to wear off?

quick pack dill pickles

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:24:51 GMT

My experiments have been successful in theory so far, which is to say, I can make quick pack pickles, can them, and they will keep on the shelf and be edible. However, I have been having to experiment by tweaking the recipe because the Ball book calls for way too much salt if you're not using sugar (and I don't use sugar).

My last experiment called for only a teaspoon of salt in the two-cup brine mixture. (experienced canners will say, "what, are you making only one jar at a time or something?" to which I say, Yes, I am, whilst I experiment with the recipe. I'll do full batches once I get a recipe I like.) This recipe actually undershot the salt by just a bit, but were still very delicious and highly edible. Next time I'll up the salt to a tablespoon.

--one cup purified water
--one cup distilled white vinegar
--one tbsp canning salt
--a garlic clove
--half a teaspoon mustard seeds
--half a teaspoon peppercorns
--a sprig of fresh dill
--a bay leaf
--two pickling cucumbers, or one large one, cut into spears right for your jar

simmer the lid and jar
boil the pickling mixture for ten minutes (everything listed above except the cucumbers
remove jar, dump out hot water, add in cucumbers, an extra clove of garlic, and two sprigs of dill
add lid, screw on band finger-tight
boil for fifteen minutes covered in water
remove, let cool.

And now, it's time for:

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:26:54 GMT

ABSURD CELEBRITY THEATRE!

*House lights iluminate two figures on stage: Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard*

WILLIE: "Living on the road my friend
Was gonna keep you free and clean
Now you wear your skin like iron
Your breath's as hard as kerosene..."

"You weren't your mama's only boy
But her favorite one it seems..."

"She began to cry when you said goodbye
And sank into your dreams,"

MERLE: "Pancho was a bandit boys
His horse was fast as polished steel
Wore his gun outside his pants
For all the honest world to feel..."

"Pancho met his match you know
On the deserts down in Mexico..."

"Nobody heard his dying words
That's the way it goes..."

BOTH: "All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him hang around
Out of kindness I suppose..."

MERLE: "Lefty he can't sing the blues
All night long like he used to.."

"The dust that Pancho bit down south
Ended up in Lefty's mouth
The day they laid poor Pancho low
Lefty split for Ohio
Where he got the bread to go
There ain't nobody knows..."

BOTH: "All the federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose..."

WILLIE: "The poets tell how Pancho fell
Lefty's livin' in a cheap hotel
The desert's quiet and Cleveland's cold
So the story ends we're told..."

MERLE: "Pancho needs your prayers it's true,
But save a few for Lefty too
He just did what he had to do
Now he's growing old..."

BOTH: "A few gray federales say
They could have had him any day..."

"They only let him go so wrong
Out of kindness I suppose..."

The cleaning of the kitchen

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:18:28 GMT

This week's cleaning of the kitchen went much farther than most of mine do. I cleaned out the fridge. I threw away a whole trashbag worth of old stuff, and found three of my pyrex storage containers full of old dead food. I also fixed the bottom drawer, which had always been crooked, and caused stuff to slide forward on the shelf above it. In the process, I got a pool of sticky, caramelized something or other mopped up out of the bottom.

I now have room for my bread machine, which I intend to pick up from storage today, and for my Harsch fermentation crock. I intend to set some dill pickles on to brine this weekend, after an extravaganza of quick-pack dill pickles and loose fresh sausage.

Cue up the Sorceror's Apprentice

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:59:44 GMT

Tonight I begin the ritual cleaning of the kitchen.

This weekend I intend to:

A) Make sausage
B) quick-pack some more experimental pickle recipes, and
C) clean out the fridge to set some kosher fermented dill pickles on to brine.

Not tagged, but doing it anyway

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 14:48:03 GMT

Stolen from a_kosmos. Also, Falco said it looked like fun, so he's doing it too.

FIRST: If you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question.
SECOND: ~~Tag eight sexy people. Don't refuse to do that like a pansy.~~ Whatever, dude.

Who sleeps in bed next to you?
ME: No one.
FALCO: "I haven't decided yet."

What did you last eat?
ME: An omlette made with leftover Reginelli's Quattro cheese mix.
FALCO: "I shared a plate of Dolmas with Hecules in Athens. Not many people realize he's not a half bad cook."

What kind of books do you read?
ME: Not much, actually. I'm still in the middle of A Game of Thrones.
FALCO: "Poetry."

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be?
ME: A ship bound for the next nearest inhabited planet.
FALCO: "If I wanted to be somewhere right now, I would go."

When is your birthday?
ME: October 19, 1978
FALCO: "Autumn of the 2nd year of the reign of Emperor Augustus."

Name one odd item within five feet of you.
ME: a boar spear
FALCO: "...Is this a Yoda Pez dispenser?" ME: Shut up.

What's your current fandom / obsession / addiction?
ME: Hellooo I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!
FALCO: "...I think I'm going to go with Yoda. He's feeding me some decent candy right now." ME: Shut up!

What did you really want to do today that you didn't?
ME: How realistic are we talking here?
FALCO: "See my answer for where I wanted to be."

What's your favorite holiday?
ME: New years
FALCO: "Yeah. I have to say New Years. The family here throws a great bash."

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
ME: lj, fb, CNN
FALCO: "Suffice it to say people like me keep in touch with each other."

If you could have any pet, what would it be?
ME: a sheepdog.
FALCO: "I took care of a lion once. Ungrateful little bastard." *shakes out hand*

Salty or sweet?
ME: Salty. Really really salty.
FALCO: "I like both. Are you free tonight?"

What do you want right this minute, off the top of your head?
ME: Another night of sleep just like last night
FALCO: "...Damn. More pez."

Where is the place you like to return in order to calm down / relax / etc.?
ME: My fortress of solitude
FALCO: "Ever been to the catacombs under the Vatican? ...Me either."

What's one thing that terrifies you that nobody else gets?
ME: ...I have a lingering terror of doing regular maintenance things like paying bills.
FALCO: "...You make enough forrays into Hell to guide people out and it starts to wear on you. You gotta take regular breaks, and watch yourself. You're useless if you get lost on the raid." ME: Are you talking metaphorically or literally? FALCO: "There's no difference."

What color is your cell phone
ME: Gray
FALCO: "...Oh yeah. Still early 21st century."

Are there any bits of childhood that you miss?
ME: Being able to wake up on a Saturday morning and being able to count on a lineup of great Saturday morning cartoons. *sings* After these messages we'll be riiiight back...
FALCO: "I used to play hide and seek along the banks of the Tiber with the other children. I got so good at it that they started only letting me hide." *taps his nose*

What is one of your favorite quotes?
ME: If you're going to bother to whip it out, you might as well knock something over with it.
FALCO: "Well, there's this one i've had stuck in my head for ages...Uh...Friday night when the lights are low, looking out for a place to go--" *Nathan clamps a hand over his mouth, Falco makes disco gestures with his hand*

ME: And that's all we have time for today.

top 101 movie moments

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:20:35 GMT

I did this following liamtheruiner right off his cliff. His list inspired me to do one.

Note that this is not a commentary on the actual artistic quality of the movie, except where noted, just the moments or scenes I found most memorable or emotionally impactful. Also, refer to the two links below for two obscure terms I used in the list.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SugarWiki/CrowningMomentOfAwesome?from=Main.CrowningMomentOfAwesome
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigLippedAlligatorMoment

WARNING: SPOILERS BEHIND THE CUT

101: Heroic swordsman Madmartigan defeats blackguard general Kael in Willow
100: The first T-800 is revealed, and is Arnold Schwartzenegger in Terminator: Salvation
99: The Fire Gang sequence in Labyrinth. (I’m going to take a lot of heat for that one because it was a quintessential big-lipped-alligator-moment, but I enjoyed it immensely.)
98: Millionaire playboy and hero Tony Stark confesses, “…I am Iron Man,” on national TV in Iron Man.
97: The dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park
96: The audience realizes, with the two bumbling slaves, that the sticks aren’t just wooden sticks in The Hidden Fortress
95: I have to steal one from Billy here: Eccentric reclusive nerd Laslo Hollyfeld walks into the dorm closet of eccentric nerds Mitch Taylor and Chris Knight, because that’s where he lives, in Real Genius
94: John Wayne’s belligerent land owner Jake McCandles’s CMOA as he points the shotgun at the man who took his grandson and turns his own threats back on him just before a righteous beatdown in Big Jake
93: The full-screen reveal of necropolis castle Minas Morgul in The Two Towers
92: Edward Norton’s reluctant beast-man Dr. Bruce Banner accepts his fate, hulks out, and roars “HULK SMASH!” before taking on the Abomination in The Incredible Hulk
91: The final comic battle for Candleshoe and Cpt. Joshua St. Edmund’s treasure in Candleshoe. I would say it set the tone for movies like Home Alone.
90: Plucky damsel in distress Jenny Blake turns to her hero and boyfriend Cliff Secord and hopelessly says “I love you,” just before it looks like they’re going to die on a crashing zeppelin in The Rocketeer
89: The raid on the Ra Me Tab temple in Young Sherlock Holmes
88: The pumpkin in the fishtank in Buckaroo Bonzai: Across the Eighth Dimension
87: Blind photographer Martin pretends to have just been struck blind to make his getting pulled over for reckless driving seem less strange in Proof (And it’s even better in context.)
86: The string of ghost-hunting cameos in Casper (It wasn’t a very good movie otherwise)
85: Hapless werewolf-vampire hybrid Michael comes back to life, in both Underworld and its sequel
84:: Bruce Lee whips out the ‘chucks and fends off an army of dark-ninja in Enter The Dragon
83: Arnie’s brooding wanderer Conan prays to Krom before a major battle, ending it with a petulent curse, in Conan the Barbarian
82: Poetic villain and comic book memorabilia merchant “Mr. Glass” calls attention to his own villainy by describing the traits of a comic book villain at the beginning of Unbreakable. I called the ending right there.
81: Anne Ramsey’s entire portrayal of vicious mob matriarch Mama Fratelli in The Goonies
80: Bill Murray’s Bill Murray is shot pretending to be a zombie in Zombieland
79: Mel Gibson’s Highland legend and folk hero William Wallace “Goes tae pick a fight” in Braveheart
78: Ex-Beatle Pete Best gets a haircut, and says, “I know what John’s gonna say.” Cut to John who says, “Fuckin’ ‘ell!” in Backbeat
77: I hate to put this on here because the movie sucked, in general, but the execution of this scene was nice: Teen wizard and chosen-one Harry Potter and love interest Ginny Weasley stand back to back in the dark in the tall grass to defend each other from dark wizards in Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince (I’m a sucker for that shit)
76: Billy Crystal’s psychologist Ben Sobel pretends to be a mobster to protect Robert DeNiro’s mobster Paul Vitti in Analyze This
75: “Why why WHY are you fucking with my life?” “I never touched her!” “…My LIFE! My LIFE!” The Butcher’s Wife
74: Val Kilmer’s eccentric gunslinging legend Doc Holiday goes to duel murderer and gang leader John Ringo, at the end of which he says, “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds,” in Tombstone
73: Super-spy and larger-than-life hero James Bond and traitorous former fellow agent Alec Trevelyan fight atop a giant antenna array. “For England, James?” “No. For me.” In Goldeneye
72: The jet escape scene from Kadir in Jewel of the Nile
71: Larger than life space-cowboy James T. Kirk assumes the captain’s chair of the USS enterprise in the recent reboot Star Trek
70: Optimist upstart teen Tracy Turnblad brings desegregation to the Corny Collins show in either version of Hairspray
69: James Garner’s priest turned astronaut Tank Sullivan recites the Shepherd’s prayer—“Alan Sheppard’s prayer. Oh Lord, please don’t let us screw up. Amen,” in Space Cowboys.
68: “KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!” --I mean—Terrence Stamp’s overblown megalomaniacal intergalactic criminal Zod conquers all of Earth whilst Superman takes a potty break in Superman II
67: Mischievious child Kevin McAlister fortifies his home against two bumbling burglars, and successfully repels siege in Home Alone
66: The indomitable Gauls finally defeat Caesar in the arena of Rome in a rather comic final battle in Asterix and the Twelve Tasks
65: Charlton Heston’s biblical hero Moses parts the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments
64: Peter O’Tool’s Errol Flynn analogue Alan Swan gets drunk on set in time for mobsters to attack and try to break up the show. He duels them, drunk, and beats them back, in My Favorite Year (a dramatization of a real event, btw)
63: Sam Elliot’s grizzled Sgt. Major Basil Plumley and Mel Gibson’s serious Lt. Col. Hal Moore have the “Custer” conversation in We Were Soldiers
62: Exploratory robot EVE sees the security playback of bumbling waste-disposal bot WALL-E fussing over her and protecting her in a thunder-storm while she was unconscious in WALL-E
61: Raul Julia’s depressed and dying family patriarch Gomez Adams sings “Swing Low Sweet Charriot” in Adams Family Values
60: Girl disguised as boy Terry Griffith announces her love for best friend Rick Morehouse in the climax of Twelfth Night remake Just One of the Guys
59: Kevin Kline’s entire portrayal of singing legend Bobby Darin in Beyond the Sea
58: Steve Martin’s beleaguered patriarch George Banks has a petulant breakdown in a grocery store in Father of the Bride
57: The duel on the beach between John Leguizamo’s bloodthirsty enforcer Tybalt and sinisterly playful rival capo Mercutio in Romeo + Juliet
56: Mr. T’s ever-vigilant almost Fennian beat cop Officer Devereaux says, “See this contac lens?! That represents you! And my eye represents my eye! I got my EYE on YOU!” in Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
55: R. Lee Erney’s 800 lb gorilla gunny sgt. Hartmann makes his loud and vocal entrance in Full Metal Jacket
54: After a long, drawn out chase, bumbling police commandant and hostage Eric Lassard realizes it’s not a training exercise and disarms the crooks himself in Police Accademy 5: Assignment Miami Beach
53: Rutger Hauer’s artificial cybernetic replicant Roy Batty monologues to his would-be executioner about what being alive meant to him just before dying in Blade Runner
52: The four main characters, American soldiers in Iraq, finally do the right thing for the refugees in Three Kings
51: Realizing the difference between male viewer reactions and female viewer reactions to the movie Gladiator
50: Tom Cruise’s secret agent Ethan Hunt puts the clues together to figure out that his boss is the real mole, while his boss is blaming another character, and keeps his cool in Mission: Impossible
49: Michael J. Fox’s awkward teen Marty McFly has to run around like a chicken with his head cut off to get his parents back together to preserve the timeline and get back to his own time in Back to the Future
48: Catherine Hepburn’s wealthy heiress Susan Vance and Cary Grant’s paleontologist David Huxley sing to a spotted leopard to get it to come down from its perch in Bringing Up Baby
47: The battle in the streets of a major city in which both Humans and Transformers take part in Transformers, in particular, the part where special forces soldier Cpt. Lennox convinces hapless teen hero Sam Witwicky to man up to the task by telling him, “A lot of people are gonna to die here.”
46: Don Knotts’s man-turned-fish Henry Limpet leads the American convoy to victory against a fleet of Nazi U-boats in The Incredible Mr. Limpet
45: George Carlin’s telling of the Aristocrats joke in The Aristocrats
44: Cosmic chosen-one Lilu beats up a horde of warrior mercenaries in a montage with an opera singer singing on stage in The Fifth Element
43: Another one in agreement with Billy: Pink elephants on parade in Dumbo
42: Captured slave Cinque walks away from the drawing of the Atlantic ocean on the floor, across the room, and says, “This is how far I have come,” in Amistad
41: The supurb editing in The Fifth Element. Yes it stands out so well I can actually spot it.
40: I doubt many will share this one, but: Realizing that decadent club-owner Steve Rubell was being played by Saturday Night Live comic veteran Mike Meyers in Studio 54
39: Galactic hero Luke Skywalker gives crime-lord Jabba the Hut ample warning before opening a can of galactic whup-ass in Return of the Jedi
38: A human family defies federal agents to save the life of an alien in ET
37: Zombie apocalypse survivor Mark stares down his love interest Selena as she is about to remove his head and stops her by saying, “That was a lot longer than a second,” in 28 Days Later
36: Japanese TV announcer declares “Godzilla is kicking the red monster in the gravel pits!” in a recent remake of Godzilla
35: Young wizard student and chosen-one Harry Potter has to be pulled sobbing off of classmate Cedric Diggory’s body after witnessing his murder in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
34: Willem Dafoe’s Nosferatu explains what it’s like to live as a vampire to a bunch of actors in Shadow of the Vampire
34-A: William Cullen meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer and gets what he deserves. Okay, that didn’t happen, but I wish.
33: The entire reeling, adrenaline-sickening movie of Peter Jackson’s King Kong
32: Angela Lansbury’s evil mother-figure says “Why don’t you sit down and play a game of solitaire?” in The Manchurian Candidate.
31: The final viol performance in Tous le matins du monde
30: The second act of Noises Off (I thought I was going to hurt myself laughing)
29: Beleguered president Andrew Shepherd and good-soldier chief of staff AJ. MacInerney argue in a contest of wills without content in The American President
28: The spine-chilling appearance on screen of SS leader Joseph Goebbels just before the plan goes south in Valkyrie
27: Hard-nosed rebel space-captain Mal Reynolds plans to misbehave in Serenity
26: The changing of the guard at the castle of the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz
25: Hero in training Luke Skywalker barely escapes galactic overlord Darth Vader with his life in The Empire Strikes Back
24: Has-been folk-singers Mitch and Mickie recreate their famous onstage kiss in A Mighty Wind
23: The slow-motion “Let’s Roll” scene just before geriatric inmates “Elvis Presley” and “John F. Kennedy” take on the soul-sucking mummy in Bubba Ho-Tep
22: Dying fanboy Linus gets to watch the rough cut of Star Wars Episode 1 at Skywalker Ranch in Fanboys
21: Scientist and supernatural investigator Egon Spengler suggest the radical idea of crossing the streams in Ghostbusters
20: Geriatric adventurer Charles Muntz opens his long-ignored scrapbook to see that his deceased wife has already filled it in for him to inspire him in Up
19: Mob boss and family man Vito Corleone vents to his fellow bosses after his son is murdered in The Godfather
18: Innocent youth Stan Rothenstein changes lawyers after he sees grating New York lawyer Vincent Gambino scream, “ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THE DAMN FIVE MINUTES?!” at a witness in My Cousin Vinny
17: Heroic archaeologist Indiana Jones cuts a bridge in half in a deadly gamble to save his own life and the lives of his companions in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
16: Every single instance of “Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker,” from the Die Hard series
15: Danny Kaye’s quick-thinking bookworm sings his dead brother’s evidence to the DA at an opera in Wonder Man
14: Professional war-monger Vizini falls over dead mid-laugh, and the Dread Pirate Roberts explains, “They were both poisoned. Over the years I built up an immunity to iocane powder,” in The Princess Bride
13: Heath Ledger’s Joker first appears on screen in Batman: The Dark Knight
12: Everything from “We’re a hundred and six miles from Chicago…” on in The Blues Brothers
11: Prince Phillip fights the witch Maleficent in dragon form at the end of Sleeping Beauty
10: Most of Love Actually, but I will always have a particular fondness for: cynical aging rock-star Billy Mack sings “Christmas is All Around” in his birthday suit while a kid runs through an airport to confess his love to a girl
9: A young chosen-one John Connor is confronted with two terminators fighting over his life and must trust that the one who just yanked him off his motorcycle is there to protect him in Terminator 2
8: The previews and ad campaign for Independence Day
7: Popular driver Frankenstein scores the high Deacon in Death Race 2000
6: The bus-top freeway fight scene from The Matrix: Reloaded
5: Horse-tribe princess Eowyn’s CMOA as she delivers a heroic one-liner and stabs the Witch-King of Angmar in the face in Return of the King
4: Hapless showbiz pawn Manray comes out on stage without his black-face makeup and delivers the “we’re not going to take it anymore” speech in Bamboozled
3: Family patriarch Pops Racer’s “father speech” from Speed Racer
2: the Vietnam archival footage montage set to Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World from Good Morning Vietnam
1: The entire effing movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Meep!

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:50:40 GMT

http://abcnews.go.com/WN/meep-nonsense-word-students-hot-water/story?id=9054266

My heart goes out to Principal Murray. I mean--Oh, my god. These students were actually going to speak a word in a concerted effort. The horrors he must deal with every day; it's a wonder he doesn't have PTSD, being principal of a school where the kids have some harmless nonsensical piece of pop culture they can bond over that doesn't involve wearing their pants down around their knees. For pity's sake, someone get this man a teddy bear and a hot cocoa.

I fucking hate the public school system with a throbbing purple passion that can best be conveyed by me climbing the Empire State Building with Fay Wray in one hand and cutting loose a great cyclopean wind to all of Humanity.

I believe I can fry...I believe I can cook the sky...

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:06:27 GMT

--one dozen jalepenos, de-stemmed, de-seeded, and sliced in half length wise
--one bowl of cheese mixture containing mozzarella, fontina, gorgonzola, and parmesean with chopped green onion and sun-dried tomato bits
--one bowl of egg
--one bowl of all-purpose flour
--one bowl of breadcrumbs seasoned Italian
--one deep-fryer with vegetable oil

press a small handful of the cheese mixture (a lump about the size of a gumball) into an oblong shape and place inside one of the jalepeno halves. Repeat until all jalepenos are filled.
take the first one and roll it lightly in flour, then dip it in egg coating generously, then roll it in breadcrumbs. place on a cookie sheet. Repeat until all jalepenos are thus processed.
chill for 15 minutes in fridge. ...On second thought, you chill for fifteen minutes at your computer, and chill the jalepenos for fifteen minutes in the fridge.
turn on the fryer and heat the oil. when it is hot, dunk the first batch for three minutes. drain, and overturn onto a plate. Repeat until all jalepenos are cooked.

Recipe: A- The Reginelli's cheese mix really was meant to be for pizza, but it's still damn good in other stuff. I did get a couple of jalepenos that were hotter than the rest.

Hardware: A+ Emeril's makes a fine deep fryer. The lid fits nicely, and prevents scary popping. It also aparently filters and stores its own oil automatically, but that's still three hours off since it has to cool.

The breading process: B+ There is apparently more art than science to the breading. I did read Alton Brown's advice, and so I could tell when I had done something wrong. However, I think it'll just take practice to get it right. Even so, the breading got done evenly, formed a good shell for the food, and tastes good, so it did work in spite of my inexperienced clumsiness.

The cooking process: B I orriginally set the temp at 370, which was way too hot for this food. I got lucky with the first batch, in that I put it in too early, so it wasn't quite that hot yet. The results were perfect. The second batch was overdone, and the third batch almost was, but I cut the time back to two minutes. Next time, I will set the temp at 320.

First attempt at deep frying:

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:50:39 GMT

Normally, when I embark upon a new cooking technique, I show proper respect for my pre-existing ignorance by trying a simple recipe by the book. That may be the advisable thing to do tomorrow, but it is not what I will do. Instead, I am going to gamble on my cooking instinct and leap right into the experiment headfirst--

--wow. That sounds so wrong when we talk about deep frying, doesn't it?

ANYWAY, here is what I intend to attempt tomorrow:

Jalepeno poppers stuffed with a mixture of mozarella, fontina, gorgonzola, and parmesean cheeses, with green onion and tomato, in a batter of flour, egg, and Italian breadcrumbs. I will be using canola vegetable oil, and an Emeril's deep fat fryer given to me by my mother. I will also need to purchase a sifter for the flour.

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:40:07 GMT

This weekend: Deep frying. I haven't decided what yet. Possibly Scotch eggs, possibly jalepeno poppers, possibly wontons, possibly something else yet. If you have a suggestion, by all means, post it.

Next weekend: Home canning and preserving. I know at least one recipe is going to involve all-beef kosher franks which I will pickle the hell out of.

Heading back to Dallas

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:38:11 GMT

tomorrow morning as early as possible. I will be staying until Tuesday morning.

And also...

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:47:59 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/2009/OPINION/10/26/lotto.optical.illusions/index.html

The Mighty Quinn, Part One

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:26:52 GMT

I walked into town about noon. It had been a long walk from Alaska, but a rewarding one. I could tell how far I had come by several ways: how short the nights became, how warm the air, how little snow, how much greenery, how long the natives stared at me, and how little fur I could wear. It really did start to itch a little in the heat. By the time I got to Dallas, It was my buckskin boots and a pair of bermuda shorts. I looked like a Hawaiian.

Nothing against Hawaiians, I had a great time there. The beach is nice in the winter, and I love roast pork, it's so tasty. I wonder if my wife can learn to make it.

And boy was I sweating. Everyone around me was bundled up in sweaters and jackets, and me, I reveled everywhere the wind blew. I knew I needed to find lodging soon, or I was gonna be roast pork myself.

I was in Dallas to visit my friend Lucky. You may have heard of him, rich kid, old money, child of British aristocracy from way back. He was a good kid, but a little short sighted, got his butt shot off in a war for his country and king. Nearly died. It didn't dampen his spirits, though. Money can't buy happiness, but turns out it can buy a new butt. What a world we live in, huh?

I stopped to toss some birdseed to some pigeons. It seemed to make them happy. The birds have got it good, I say. I once read where they don't toil or sow, two of them are sold for a penny, but Solomon in all his splendor wasn't dressed as gloriously as one of them. Or something like that, I don't remember how it goes. Anyway, that's the way to live, when you get down to it. Some days I wished I was bird, but then again, I was kinda living that life in my travels, wasn't I?

So I'm feedin' the birdies when I hear this horrible bang, and then a roar, a screech, and a crunch of metal. The birds scatter. I look to see what the ruckus is, and what should I see but a gray honda civic with a busted front tire wrapped around a light-pole. There's this hiss from the engine, I can see steam rising up, and someone struggling behind an airbag.

Well, there's really only one thing to do in a situation like that. I raise my handy-dandy flint-tipped spear and pop the airbag. I reach in through the broken window, pop the lock, pull open the door, and help out the nice young lady behind the wheel.

She was about 24, dressed up in a fancy white dress. A ring with a big diamond glinted from the fourth finger on her left hand. She shrieked in horror at her car and burst into tears.

She didn't look hurt, but you ask anyway. "You okay miss?"

As if she had just seen me, she turns to look at me. She takes a step back in surprise. "Who are you?"

I shift my spear to the left hand and offer to shake. "Name's Quinn." I smile.

"...Oh. Uh..."

"Need an ambulance or anything?"

She blinked, wiping tears out of her eyes. "No...I'm okay, thanks...Oh god I'm gonna be late, I don't have a cell phone..." She grabbed her head in both hands, shifting her weight in agitation.

"Naw. Hey, look. It's an easy fix. Watch this." I did a trick I have learned from many months of travel: I reached in, hit her blinkers, and popped the hood, steps that were actually somewhat un-necessary under the circumstances given the state of her car. I gently guided her to stand at the rear of the vehicle--plainly visible from the road. I figured a blushing bride was a better signal for help than a half naked eskimo.

I popped the trunk and checked for road flares. Sure enough, she had some. I laid them out on the road. I've always liked these things. I think I need to get some for my family. We don't drive, but they sure are pretty, and they're great for starting fires. I think my kids would love 'em.

And then, the final step. I checked her windshield for an AAA sticker, and called the number on my cell phone.

Yes, I carry a cell phone. It gets lonely on the tundra.

No, I'm not telling you where I kept it.

She blinked. "Thank you."

"Hey, no problem. Your ride will be here right about--" I heard a big minivan pull in behind her car. "--now."

There are some things you can always count on, and basic Human empathy is one of 'em. Don't listen to the cynics, kids. We're doing alright as a species.

And sure enough, the voices of a middle aged couple and three kids greeted her. "Oh my god, are you alright?" "Need us to call an ambulance?" "Wow! Were you speeding?!"

I didn't need to do much from here. I stayed out of the way by pretending to inspect the engine. The woman explained her plight, and, just as I hoped, was offered a ride to her wedding.

But, she said, "This gentleman just called triple-A. I gotta stay with the car until they arrive."

I smiled, waving one hand. "Hey, no problem. Tell you what, leave me the phone number where you're going to be, and I'll talke care of Triple A." I shrug. "It's not like anyone's gonna steal it, right?"

She smiled warmly. "Thank you so much. I really appreciate this."

"No problem. Congratulations, and many happy returns of the day." We exchanged phone numbers--turned out her name was Julie--and the nice family--turned out their name was Sullivan--took her to her wedding.

Not a bad start to the day. I sat down to feed the pigeons some more whilst I waited for triple A to show up, and whistled the melody from an old Manfred Mann tune. I was going to have quite a story to tell Lucky when I saw him.

The House Blend

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:22:50 GMT

I have decided, given my recent and very successful experiments, to go ahead and declare chipotle, lime, garlic, cilantro, and onion to be the five basic ingredients of my house cooking. Kinda like how you have the "holy trinity" of cajun cooking (onion, bell pepper, and celery)? You can go almost anywhere with my house blend: taquitos, fish, shrimp, chicken, chicken sausage--this morning I did a quesadilla, by combining it with JP's unstoppable tortilla-frying technique and some jack cheese. I would imagine you could do it with salsas, picantes, fajitas, anything that is either mixed or pan-sautee'd. For some dishes, add some smoked spanish paprika, bell pepper, substitute some green onion in place of what you normally use, maybe even some cider vinegar.

Family taquito recipe

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:35:39 GMT

I call this a family taquito recipe because it is very heavily influenced by my cousin-in-law's famous taquito recipe. Those familiar with his will notice many key ingredients and steps in common.

--corn tortillas
--butter (about two tbsp
--1 lb ground beef
--one bell pepper, chopped
--about five pearl onions, chopped*
--about ten cherry tomatoes, quartered*
--about four tbsp fresh cilantro, chopped (I just snipped it off in the skillet until it looked right)
--1 Penzey's dried chipotle pepper, minced
--two small or one medium or large clove of garlic, pressed
--about 1 to 1 and a half tbsp smoked spanish paprika
--1 lime
--half a wheel of cotija cheese
--about a teaspoon of salt

brown the meat with all the seasonings and veggies except the lime and the butter.
add the cheese, mix in well. It won't truly melt-I think I got the wrong kind. I was trying to remember what JP used, and took a guess. Even so, the results were good.
juice the lime into the meat mixture and stir/mix well. turn off heat or reduce to low to keep warm.
melt the butter in a second, smaller skillet. drop in one tortilla, cook until desired doneness.
put the tortilla on a plate, fill with meat mixture. repeat process until desired portions reached.

*Since I only cook for myself most days, I find myself wasting portions of celery, onion, etc because I can only get them in units about twice to four times the size I need. I can't really fix that for celery, but I fix that for onion and tomato by buying the packages of the little tiny ones instead of one whole one, since that way I can measure out only what I need that night.

Best homemade ramen broth I've ever had

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:17:51 GMT

--2 1/2 cups of water
--handful of rice noodles
--about 1 1/2 tbsp beef base. doesn't have to be exact.
--1 clove of garlic, peeled but whole
--just a hint of ground ginger, maybe a quarter teaspoon at most
--about two tbsp leftover fresh cilantro
--maybe two tbsp leftover onion (I'd have preferred to use fresh green onion, chopped, but I was using what I had)
--about a teaspoon of soy sauce
--salt and pepper to taste
--half a lime

combine all ingredients except the lime and the rice noodles, boil about ten minutes
add rice noodles, cook until limp
pour the whole thing into a bowl
juice the lime into the bowl
eat

news on Carrie

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:01:16 GMT

I'm having trouble posting on Facebook, as is, so I'll post here and hope my facebook RSS-feed actually picks it up like it's supposed to. It's been somewhat hit and miss along with my connection.

Anyway, she got moved out of CCU and is now in her own private room. I was over at Mom and Jim's when the news came down, and I got the email from Rebecca this morning. She's on the mend, on the move, and now the family will be taking a more direct role in her PT and OT.

So yeah. Absolutely phenomenal. "Doot doooooo dee doo-doo!" Oh fer cryin' out loud--get them outta here! Friggin' muppets. Nothing is sacred these days. It's abominable. "Doot doo-dee doot!" GAHHH! Stop it!

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:47:42 GMT

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/legion_of_terra_cotta_mouseketeers?utm_source=c-section

How to write a good horroscope column:

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:34:27 GMT

Step 1: Know your readers. For example, if you're writing for a newspaper, most of your readers (like, 90-95%) are Graves level 5, going into 6, with less than ideal 2 to 3 in their past. If you can also narrow down a good age range, even better, because then you can take a guess at common life events that shaped them.

Step 2: Compose a list of about a hundred traits shared by 90-95% of the people who fit the description above. It's okay to be a little hit-and-miss, because, statistically, you'll be right more often than not. Basic human traits are solid gold, like "emotionally driven." Here's a hint: everyone acts on emotion, whether they admit it or not. Siimilarly, it's okay to include converses, like "logical thinker." We're Human and sentient, basic logic is our bread and butter, and we all like to think we're good at it, whether we use it like a rapier or a club.

Step 3: Divide the traits above among the 12 zodiac signs. It's okay to repeat a few--for example, "emotionally sensitive" appears in Libra, Cancer, and Aquarius that I know of. Be sure to include some negative and potentially negative traits in each, for authenticity.

Step 4: When writing the horroscope for the appropriate zodiac sign, pander to the good traits, and occasionally warn the reader about the bad ones. Stick to vague, common-sense statements like "Tread carefully with your obligations this week," and "This is not the time to waste your energy."

dukeofgloucester@gmail.com — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:55:30 GMT

"Once I had a theory, made it work,
made it work all the time
once I had a theory
then it broke.
Brother, can you paradigm?..."

ODD SITUATION SURVIVAL PART ONE: CAMPING OUT IN THE ICU WAITING ROOM

--Socks. Socks are your friend. No matter how many changes of clothes you brought, bring twice that many pairs of socks. You'll be glad you did. The bigger, fluffier, and better insulated, the better. I reccommend at least knee-high athletic socks.

--Sleep in your clothes, but not your shoes. footwear restricts blood flow, which can get real uncomfortable. However, sleep in everything else, even up to a good overshirt. Remember that the hospital staff keeps the waiting room at a comfortable temperature for sitting, and sleeping is not that much different. Do, however, bring a decent medium-weight blanket you can use if you do get a little cold before you wake up.

--It's only truly uncomfortable the first couple of nights. After that, you get used to it.

--monitor your eating. Camping in an ICU waiting room is a very different demand on your energy than you are accustommed to. Avoid caffeine and high fructose corn syrup, keep a supply of antacids on hand, and don't eat foods that give you indigestion, even if you eat them normally the rest of the time. Actual mileage may vary, but I reccommend staying away from cheese and red meat, except in the morning. Even if you don't normally like fruits and vegetables, make yourself eat some. Grazing through snacks is also okay, just watch how they make you feel.

--bring plenty to do. Card games, a lineup of good TV shows, books to read, a knitting project. There will be far more hurry-up-and-wait than there will be visitation.

--If you can park for free, live out of your car instead of a suitcase. The ICU staff will thank you. Only bring in what you need often enough that it would be a burden to go to the car for it as often as you'll need it.

--Travel as light as possible, and keep valuables on your person as often as possible. If not possible, bring a friend or family member with you to watch the fort.

--Suck up to the staff. Smile, be friendly, and make them your friends.